When parents decide to divorce, it often leaves a trail of emotional conflict. Don't be fooled into believing the kids don't feel the tension.
When parents fight and divorce is imminent, it's the parent’s job to protect the kids and keep them out of it.
"What we need to do as good parents are take care of our kids and ensure that they are not dealing with issues they are not able to deal with psychologically and emotionally,” said psychologist Dr. Gerald Berger.
No matter what age, it's natural for kids to blame themselves.
Psychologist Dr. Berger advises parents to be aware of the developmental stages for kids. Younger kids don't need to know as many details, but they do need to be reassured they didn't cause the break up.
When parents decide to divorce, it often leaves a trail of emotional conflict. Don't be fooled into believing the kids don't feel the tension.
"They need to know it is not their fault. That it's something that mom and dad decided to do. Sometimes you can point to concrete examples that young kids can understand. They have seen their parents arguing, they have seen parents not talking to each other and that helps kids have a concrete understanding of what might have happened," Berger said.
If you have an older child, you can share a few more details but always remain neutral to the other parent.
"We need to be careful about blaming and putting kids in the middle and believe that somehow one parent is more at fault than the other. Usually in a relationship that breaks up there is joint responsibility, maybe not equal responsibility, but here is joint responsibility of either parent and kids need to understand and kids know that also. They know what happened in their family," said Berger.
Under no circumstance do children need to know the sordid details about infidelities or indiscretions. Some experts say it takes between three to five years for kids to adjust to a divorce and high schoolers, who are heading off to college, may have trouble.
"Sometimes adolescents have a more difficult time than younger kids because they don't have a lot of time to recover before they leave the house. Younger kids are sometimes seen as having a more difficult time initially, acutely but seem to adjust over time," Berger explained.
Protect kids by understanding their world, what is important to them.
"Try to separate what is important for kids, what do kids care about? Kids care about their friends. They care about the daily routines of life. They don't really care too much about the adult issues of their parents marriage, or the parents disagreements. Kids are pretty ego-centric, and pretty focused on themselves and their own immediate needs," Berger said.
For more information you can call Saratotga Psychological Associates at (518) 587-0499, ext 16 or e-mail drberger@saratogapsych.com.